The last blog post I wrote before I got married. Engagement and preparing forr marriage left me little time to write and I never finished this series as planned.
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Romeo, Romeo, WHERE Art Thou, Romeo?
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“How are you going to find someone to marry if you don't go to college?”
This is a question I have received many,
many times, and each time
someone asks it, I find myself somewhat speechless – not because I don't know
how to answer, but because I find it funny that someone would actually feel the
need to ask this. It's a pretty amusing question if you think about it. I mean,
women managed to get married for hundreds of years without going away to
college, and yet now we find it incredible that a young lady might actually
meet a special young man whilst living under her father's roof.
The very nature of the question is nonsensical, because it to assume several
things. First, it assumes that going to college is somehow a guarantee of
finding a mate. Second, it seems to suggest that it is impossible, under
present circumstances, for me to interact with young men – as if I am locked
away at home never to go out to any social gatherings. Third, it implies that
if I want to get married, I'd best be sure to take an active role and throw
myself into situations where there is an abundance of single men, or I run the
risk of ending up an old maid.
When did college become a place for single women to hang out until they
could catch a husband? Why is it acceptable to pretend to pursue a degree when,
in reality, many young women are there only to pursue a relationship? Why would
I spend more than $16,000 a year to attend college and spend my time looking
for a husband rather than focusing on the studies I am supposedly paying for?
Say I did end up going to college because I felt that was the best place to
find a husband – finding him would still cost me more than $60,000! That's one
expensive guy!
Even at a Christian college, there is no guarantee that I will meet the
right man. Having more men to choose from in no way makes the
right man
any easier to spot – in fact, it may complicate matters. This only serves to
distract us from our true purpose in life. I do not need to throw myself into
situations where many single men abound. I do not even have to be concerned
about whether or not I get married. There is a huge misconception when someone
asks, “How are you going to find a man to marry?” The answer is, I'm not going
to find a husband. I am depending on the Lord to find my husband, and I know
that He is more than able to orchestrate events to bring us together whether we
live in the same town or several countries away from each other. When did we
stop believing that God can work through any circumstances to bring about His
will? When did Christians start thinking that they needed to help God along in
the process of finding a mate? I see no reason to remove myself from my
father's protection simply because some think I would have a better chance of
getting married if I throw myself out into the world.
The waters of guy/girl relationships can be pretty tricky to navigate in any
circumstances. I simply cannot imagine trying to evaluate a young man's worth
without the input of those who know and love me most – my family. Is this a
mark of immaturity on my part? Does the fact that I admit that I may not be
able to make completely wise decisions regarding young men all on my own mean
that I am not mature enough to get married? I don't think so. God has given me
my parents for a reason – to protect, guide and assist me until my father gives
me away in marriage. I don't think it is immature to rely on their wise counsel
and listen to their advice about young men. I am a girl and, believe it or not,
I am not always level-headed (I know that comes as a big shock ;-). I don't
have a problem admitting that I'd rather have the support of my parents when it
comes to making decisions about marriage than the advice of college students
who do not necessarily have the same values as I do. Someone will have to keep
my feet on the ground when I become twitterpated over some young man, and I
have more faith in my parents than in my peers to do it.
Soon after I answer the skeptical question about how I will ever find a man
to marry if I live at home, the person I am speaking to usually looks at my
sympathetically and asks, “What if you never get married?” as if to remind me
that if I don't take their advice, the terrible fate of spinsterhood looms on
the horizon.
Rest assured, the idea of never getting married does not make me want to run
out and drag the first guy I meet down to the courthouse to sign a marriage
license. I am not desperate to get married. Seeing as I am the ripe old age of
nineteen, I know that's hard for you to believe. I mean, come on, I'm
practically a spinster already, it's high time I consider the high possibility
that I will remain single until the day I die ;-) But truly, getting married is
not my main purpose in life, therefore the idea of living without it does not
send chills down my back.
Admittedly, one purpose of me living at home is to better prepare for
marriage and motherhood. HOWEVER, that is not the ONLY purpose of living at
home. I do not have a rule that says, “If I'm not married by the time I'm this
age, I will leave home and give up on the idea of biblical womanhood.” No, I
have committed myself to remaining under my father's roof because I believe
God's design is for father's to protect their unmarried daughters. That
principle does not expire when I reach a certain age. If I never marry, I don't
see how that changes my purpose in life. My goal is to please Christ and I
believe this includes ministering to my family, visiting the sick and widowed
in the community, mentoring younger girls and encouraging them to follow God's
will for their lives, being the best sister I can be for my siblings and for my
brothers and sisters in Christ, being hospitable, and above all showing Christ
to the world and leading others to Him. I do not have to be married to do any
of these things, and whether I'm married or single by the time I'm thirty I
will still be doing this same work.
Being single the rest of my life is not the worst thing I can think of – far
from it! Rather, being impatient and ending up married to the wrong man is one
of the worst situations I can imagine. I would prefer to be single the rest of
my life than to marry recklessly and without the wise counsel of my parents.
I do not fear an unmarried life, nor am I simply passing the time until I
get married. There are blessings in being single that I would not have in marriage.
“The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of
the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married
is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” (1
Corinthians 7:34). In this season of my life I have the unique opportunity to
focus wholeheartedly on serving my Lord, without the distraction of college, or
being married, or feeling like I need to find a husband.
Decisions should not be driven by desperation, but by a desire to please the
Lord. Trusting in the Lord means that I do not have to worry about going out on
a search for the perfect man. I know God will bring us together when it's time.
There are no biblical examples of girls leaving home on a search for a husband.
Rebekah was living in her father's home when Abraham's servant found her and
asked her to return with him to be Isaac's wife. She was living in obedience to
God, serving others and working alongside her family, not going out into the
world making a name for herself or searching for a husband. And God blessed her
quiet submissiveness by bringing her the opportunity to be married to a
God-fearing man. She waited on God's timing, but she was not obsessed with the
idea of marriage. Instead, she used her single years to serve God and to
patiently trust Him.
So, how will I find someone to marry? By waiting on God's timing. What if I
never get married? I will continue to serve God to the utmost of my ability.
Obviously it is not God's will that I be married today. I don't see why I would
live any different if the same should be true twenty years from now. Though I
do hope to be married and raise a God-loving family one day, that is not my top
priority right now. Preparing for marriage is of second (or maybe even fifth or
sixth) importance at this time of my life. If I never marry I will still praise
God that He has a plan and I will continue to enthusiastically dedicate myself
to fulfilling His purpose.
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I
have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether
well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything
through Him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:12-13). In marriage or in singleness,
contentment is the key. And contentment comes with knowing that God has a plan
for your life that will benefit the Kingdom, not simply to fulfill your every
whim and desire. We have a purpose bigger than marriage, and we can fulfill
that purpose through Christ who gives us strength.
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