Preparing Our Daughters for a Culture of Porn

When I was a teenager (not so very long ago), the epidemic of Internet pornography was just beginning to be recognized. By the time I got married, most of my peers knew that the majority of guys our age had a problem with porn. We might not have understood the impact it would have on our future marriages, but we were somewhat prepared for the likelihood of marrying a man with a history of porn use.

Our parents were not as aware of the problem. They didn’t understand how easily erotic material could be accessed, or how quickly curiosity leads to addiction. Studies were not yet out on the addictive nature of porn or the compounding issue of screen addiction. We didn’t have the science on how early exposure traumatizes the brain and damages emotional development. Often times, the first conversation parents had with their boys about pornography took place only after they discovered inappropriate material on their computers.

It wasn’t that parents were neglectful. They just didn’t know. With all the education out there today, I see Christian parents being proactive; taking precautions like installing filtering software, becoming more tech savvy so they are aware of danger zones, and beginning the conversation with their boys from a very young age. I hear more talk about how to end porn addiction, and more discussions on preparing our daughters to address the issue of pornography in relationships before committing themselves to a man for life. That is wonderful!

But while we are busy protecting our boys, Satan is busy at work. In our zeal to protect the hearts and minds of our young men, let’s not overlook a rapidly growing issue among our youth: Female porn addiction.

Why We're Open About Pornography

I recently posted the following to my personal Facebook page:

“Husbands, one of the most healing things you can do for your wife following a confession of porn use is to encourage her to be open with others about your struggle. She needs your support to seek the help she deserves; to know that you are okay with her talking with whomever she trusts to share her burden. Don't let your shame imprison your wife.”

Happily Ever After: The Never Ending Story

It's been quite some time since I posted in this series, but I received a story this week that had me in tears and I requested permission to share it with you today. 

It is possible for a man to quit pornography and never once return. Unfortunately, that is more the exception than the rule. So what happens when your husband continues to give into temptation, year after year after year? What do you do when he repeatedly breaks your heart? Is there a point when you finally just give up on your marriage?

This is Michelle's story (very slightly edited for clarity). I hope it gives you the courage to hold onto your marriage, no matter what.

When Great Men Fall

In our family devotional, we recently came to the uncomfortable account of David and Bathsheba. No problem, I thought, we can handle this. My littles will tell you without missing a beat that God’s ideal for marriage is, “one man and one woman for life.” Teaching them that David broke this ideal would be fairly straightforward. So I thought.

It turns out that I underestimated how difficult this passage would be to explain to our children. Not because it involves teaching preschoolers about adultery, but because it opened their eyes to a terrible truth.

You see, David is Monkey2’s Bible hero. He gets his middle name from three great Davids – David Richardson (Joshua’s father), David Motl (who is like a second father to me), and King David. For several weeks now, JD has listened intently as we read through accounts of David’s faith and victories. What little boy isn’t inspired by the young shepherd who conquered a giant with just a sling and the strength of his God? My second monkey has been awestruck and deeply impressed, proudly proclaiming each night, “His name is David, just like ME!”

When we came to the passage where David takes another man’s wife, our young children listened with rapt attention. It wasn’t difficult to explain what happened. They understood that a covenant had just been broken. Well, that was easy, I thought to myself. I wasn’t prepared for the question that followed.

“Is that the same David who killed Goliath?”

JD’s face fell.

It couldn’t be. Not David. Not his hero.

I watched as it dawned on my little boy that even great men fall. I wanted to weep. In that moment, King David’s sin with Bathsheba broke my heart because I saw the effect it had on my son. It baffled and confused him. It distressed him that David – his great hero of faith – could make such a sinful choice.

Do you know what that’s like? Have you ever watched a spiritual hero fall from their pedestal? I have. I’m sure you have, too. You’ve seen great preachers fall into error, giants of faith fall away. You’ve heard reports of men and women you regarded as blameless who have fallen into sexual sin.

“No, surely not so-and-so. Please don’t let it be true.”

It hurts. It’s discouraging. It’s infuriating. When someone you’ve held up as an example of righteous living makes a sinful decision, it can make you question your own faith and commitment to Jesus. In times like these we need to remember that we’re not the only ones watching. Our kids are listening, waiting to hear our reaction.

There are two things I was reminded of during our discussion with JD. One: Sin has consequences beyond our imagination. Scandals (especially in the Church) reach further than we can possibly see. Even centuries later, David’s sin is still painful. It still affects the hearts and minds of thousands of people. In light of that, we need to understand the seriousness of our own choices. Every one of us is setting an example for someone else in our lives. We may not be in a public role like David, but people are still looking to us. Our actions are either leading them toward God or away from Him. The ripple effect can last for years.

Second: Jesus. Precious Jesus. I think for the first time it really hit JD that Jesus is the only one without sin. Isn’t that exactly what we want our children to understand? That’s the hope on which to focus. What an opportunity to remind our children that, although no one is perfect, Jesus offers cleansing for all. When David was repentant, God was able to restore a beautiful relationship with him. He offers the same to each of us.

When someone sins, do you obsess about it for days? “I can’t BELIEVE he did that!” “What’s wrong with them, anyway?” “I’m never going to trust her again!” Or do you display grace and pray for repentance? Christ is able to redeem! Drive that point home, every time.

With sorrow I watched JD realize David’s imperfection. But, oh, the joy of pointing him to God’s forgiveness! That is truly the best part of parenting; getting to share the love, grace, and mercy of God with my children. Watching JD slowly transfer his greatest admiration from men to Christ is unspeakably sweet.

Just as Joshua spent the rest of devotional teaching our children, we know that everyone sins and falls short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). There is no one who is righteous on their own (Romans 3:10). And sometimes, great men fall.

I want my kids to admire the characters of the Bible as well as modern day leaders of faith, but I want them to realize that they are just human – just like us. I want them to think of Paul and Peter, Daniel and Ruth (and Jody and Evelyn Apple) as people to imitate, but I want them to know that they were (are) real people in real need of a Savior, and that our greatest hero is Jesus.

When great men fall, Jesus stands. He is ready to forgive and receive even the lowest among us. He is willing to be the strength that you lack, if only you’ll let Him.

Will you let Christ be your Hero?

A Summer Challenge

It’s summertime! Which also means it’s that time of year when many people mysteriously misplace their clothes. I’ve seen a lot of posts lately encouraging people to keep their clothes on and think about how their wardrobe choices are affecting their brothers and sisters in Christ. In response, I’ve seen a lot of angry comments from people who are indignant at the suggestion that they should put thought into what they put on. After all, men are responsible for keeping their minds pure and women cannot control whether or not men make the decision to look places they shouldn’t. Women should be free to wear what they want without being in constant fear of provoking some man to lust. Besides, it’s really not so hard to just not look! Or so the comments go.

It’s true. Men are responsible for what they dwell on, and if they are lusting after a woman that is a sinful decision they have made. But I don’t think most women comprehend how difficult it is to refrain from looking upon what ought not be seen when there is hardly a direction one can turn one’s eyes without landing on some forbidden view.

Happily Ever After: Stories of Marriages that Survived to Tell the Tale

Pornography. Adultery. Cheating. Lying. Abuse. Grief.

Divorce

It's rampant. Nearly every day we hear of another friend, co-worker, neighbor, or family member who is filing for divorce. Nearly every day we hear of another marriage that is in crisis because of unfaithfulness, drug or alcohol abuse, or simply an unwillingness to sacrifice self for spouse. Every one of us has been negatively impacted by marriages that are failing to uphold God's design of "one man and one woman for LIFE".

The outlook for couples who face a major breach of trust is bleak. What I hear more than anything from women who have experienced the heartbreak of an affair, a porn addiction, or any other marital crisis is this:

Hopelessness

These women want their marriages to recover. They want to forgive, move forward, heal. But they look around at other marriages that have failed. They look at their husbands, and they look at themselves. And it seems impossible. The wide chasm of hurt is just too great to overcome. And the harder they try, the wider that chasm appears. They start to realize that the road to restoration is even longer and rockier than they originally thought. And at some point... one spouse or the other gives up. They quit fighting for each other. They accept that their marriage has been utterly destroyed to the point that there is no hope of rebuilding. There is nothing left. So they walk away.

We hear all of these stories of marriages that have ended because of infidelity or addiction and what we hear is, "Marriages that experience these things cannot survive." And if they do happen to technically "survive" (AKA, do not divorce), then we hear, "Okay. They didn't divorce. But they will never be completely happy again." Or, what's worse, "They will never completely trust again." And then, when our own marriages face these things, that's exactly what we believe.

It doesn't have to end that way. 

5 Things I Wish I Had Known About Pornography Before I Got Married

I love my husband. He is a godly man, and I respect him more than any other man in the world. Though he is influenced by his history, his past does not define him. I share this information with Joshua's encouragement. We want to help others break free from the bondage of pornography. It destroys hearts, marriages, families, and society. But most important, pornography addiction destroys your relationship with God. It is our prayer that, by being transparent and honest about the struggles in our own lives, Joshua and I can help someone else overcome this sin and heal from the destruction pornography brings. There is forgiveness in Christ, and through Him there is victory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before Joshua and I officially started courting, he told me that he had been involved in pornography. He wanted to make that clear before I committed to a relationship with him so that I knew exactly who he was and who he had previously been. He told me how sorry he was for his actions and the way his past would affect our future, and he asked me to forgive him. His complete honesty and humility impressed me.

Joshua’s confession came as no surprise. Perhaps I was a little jaded, but at least I wasn’t naïve. Few men escape childhood and adolescence unscarred by pornography’s claws, and I knew that no matter who I married the likelihood of my future husband having a history of porn use was extremely high. Even so, I was not as aware of the effects of pornography as I would like to have been. I knew it would affect our marriage, but I didn’t know how much. Here are five things about pornography that I wish I could go back and tell my unmarried self:

For Love is of God

The responses we received from my post on pornography were astounding. We expected some negative feedback, expected there to be some who would treat us differently because of the confession, even expected there to be a few who would be offended by our frankness. What I did not expect (and I should have) was the outpouring of love and support shown to us by friends and strangers alike.

            To those of you who sent us messages, texts, and phone calls, who have shared the post with others and shared your own stories of hope with us, THANK YOU! Some of your loving comments brought me to tears. Others brightened my day with smiles. Each one of them meant so much and we want to thank all of you for taking the time to contact us.

             The love and forgiveness shown by our brothers and sisters in Christ has been overwhelming. With every comment I received from a fellow Christian it was clear. This is the love found in Him. This is true Christianity. This is the Body of Christ.

[image courtesy of Stuart Miles and FreeDigitalPhotos.net]

Confessions of a Former Porn Addict's Wife

I love my husband. He is a godly man, and I respect him more than any other man in the world. Though he is influenced by his history, his past does not define him. I share this information with Joshua's encouragement. We want to help others break free from the bondage of pornography. It destroys hearts, marriages, families, and society. But most important, pornography addiction destroys your relationship with God. It is my prayer that, by being transparent and honest about the struggles in our own lives, Joshua and I can help someone else overcome this sin and heal from the destruction pornography brings. There is forgiveness in Christ, and through Him there is victory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have never cried so hard, nor felt so broken. A rage boiled through my veins unlike any I had ever experienced. The intensity of my fury frightened me. The oppressive weight of hopelessness and the frantic pounding of desperation crushed me until I felt physically beaten. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to scream. I wanted to break something. Or someone.

            When Joshua arrived home early from work one overcast summer evening, I immediately knew something was wrong. Taking my hand, he pulled me toward the couch. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.” The worst possible scenarios flashed through my mind and I braced myself as I sat down beside him. My heart pounded. My hands trembled. My head spun. His voice was thick when he finally spoke. “I’ve lied to you.”

            A few days prior to this I had been up in the middle of the night with a fussy baby and picked up Joshua’s phone, intending to surf the web while I tried to rock our newborn back to sleep. The internet browser was already open. And it was set to search images.

            Not wanting to jump to any conclusions, I investigated a little further but couldn’t find any inappropriate material in the search history. Deciding there was probably nothing suspicious about whatever Joshua had been searching online, I eventually tucked the sleeping baby back in his crib and crawled into bed beside my husband. Joshua rolled over and wrapped his arm around me. I was reasonably certain that there was nothing to my fleeting suspicions, but I felt compelled to make sure. “When was the last time you looked at porn?”

            “What?”

            Somewhat impatiently I asked again, “When was the last time you looked at pornography?”

“I don’t know.” There was a long silence. “Sometime back before we were married.”

            I knew Joshua, like many men, had struggled with pornography before we were married. He had told me this before we ever began courting and had apologized and asked my forgiveness for letting lust rule his actions. There, lying beside my husband in the darkness, I had to make a choice: Choose to trust that he was telling me the truth and had remained faithful since our wedding, or go crazy questioning every move he made in the weeks to come. Doubt and suspicion are vile companions. I had lived with them before and the past had proved that they were needless weights in our marriage. So, I chose to trust.

However, several days later, Joshua sat me down and with many tears confessed that he had lied to me and that he had been using pornography off and on for the last year. I listened quietly as he answered my questions and watched as my strong husband fell to pieces before me. I had never seen Joshua cry before. Now he sobbed, begged my forgiveness, and swore that he would never do it again. With silent tears I kissed his cheek, told him I still loved him as much as ever and that I forgave him, but that I really needed to be alone. I slipped out to our balcony and there collapsed in a crumpled heap, crying out to the only One who could heal my broken heart.

If you have ever experienced a similar betrayal from the man you love most in this world, then you know what the following weeks and months held. You know the biting confliction of wanting to run to the man who has always been the one to comfort you, sooth your hurts, and wipe your tears, and yet holding back because he is the very person who has wounded you so deeply. You know the numbness which envelopes you as you go about your daily routines while trying to bury your emotions for fear of losing control once that floodgate is open. You know the inward battle between loving this man more than you ever knew one human being could love another, and yet contemplating methods of cruel revenge against him. You know the temptations that come out of nowhere, inviting you to betray your husband the way he so heartlessly betrayed you. You’ve asked the questions, “Why? Was it my fault? Am I not enough? What else might he be capable of? How could he do this to me? To us? To his God?” so many times that they’ve become recurring thoughts even in your dreams. You’ve felt the fury, the agony, the despair, the emptiness.

I know that feeling of isolation, like there is no one who will understand, no one who will listen to your hurts without passing judgment on your dearest love. I know the struggle you have gone through to balance your desire to protect your husband’s reputation with your need to find somebody in whom to confide. I know that suffocating fear that comes from wondering if it’s only a matter of time before he betrays you again. I know. I’ve been there. I’m still there at times. I know. What I want you to know is this.

You are not alone. Statistics state that 50% of men who claim to be Christians are addicted to porn. What does that tell us about the number of women who are experiencing the heartache of finding out that their husbands have been virtually cheating on them? Pornography is an ugly, rampant sin that is invading countless marriages. You are one of many wives struggling to recover from this devastating blow. There are other women just like you who have gone through the anguish of broken trust but who are committed to fighting for their marriages. You are not alone. There are women who will hold your hand, cry with you, pray with you, and assure you that it is possible to heal. There are already people praying for you who may not even know your name. I’m one of them. With the strength of the Lord, you can make it through this.

Christian counselors are available to help you. Pornography thrives on secrecy. Because of this, it is hard for men to admit when they have a problem. This sense of shame also affects us as wives. We don’t want anyone to know that our marriages have difficulties, and we certainly don’t want anyone to think badly of our husbands. So we hide our hurt. But there is no shame in seeking help with the hurt. Allowing yourself to open up to a trusted Christian advisor will help you process this devastation and help you deal with the aftermath.

Because so many other women have gone through the pain that pornography inevitably brings, there are many wise counselors within the Body of Christ who can help you through this struggle. Getting professional counseling as a couple is a good idea, but just calling up an older woman you trust, or maybe even getting in touch with someone you don’t know personally but who you know will give wise advice, is incredibly comforting. Seek counsel from those who are within the Church, as those outside the Body of Christ will not be able to give you the spiritual support you need.

You are married to a good man. Do you remember why you fell in love with your husband to begin with? Can you still list the good qualities in your man? I encourage you to sit down and list all the reasons you love your husband. Then, on those tough days when Satan tries to sow seeds of misery in your heart, think on those things.

My husband is a good, godly man. I truly believe that he is the absolute best person in the world for me. He loves me, cherishes me, sacrifices for me, protects me, encourages me, strengthens me, and treats me like the most precious gift on earth. But Joshua is just a man. He has moments of weakness, temptation, and folly. When the stresses of life are great, sometimes those temptations seem unbearable and he stumbles. His sin of pornography was horrific and it shook me to my core. But that’s how God feels every time I lie, every time I fail to glorify Him, every time I lose my temper with my children. It hurts my God’s heart. I am not in any way minimizing the significance of Joshua’s sin, but who of us has not struggled against some vice that we cannot seem to defeat, a sin which at times seems impossible to overcome?

We all stumble and we all fail. Just because your husband struggles with pornography does not mean that he is a monster or that there is nothing good in him anymore. You married this man for a reason. He is still the man you fell in love with! He is imperfect, he has hurt you beyond words, and he has set your marriage up for many years of hardship. But he is still your man. It may be hard to see right now but, if he’s like most husbands struggling with this sin, he wants to be free from its clutches. He loves you and he longs for you both to have the marriage you ought to have. He is a good man, and he needs you by his side.

Your husband needs your heart. You must turn your heart toward your husband, not away from him. This is incredibly difficult. To open your heart back up to the one who has so piercingly wounded you does not come naturally. To choose to again become vulnerable to the man who has shattered your trust goes against everything in human nature. But if you are going to rebuild that trust and work toward a God-honoring marriage, you must turn your heart to your husband.

Much like the process of grief, I went through several different stages of emotions in those first few weeks after Joshua’s confession. I truly felt as if something, part of our marriage, part of me, had died. I could see Joshua suffering, knew that he was fighting similar emotions of hopelessness and defeat, but I didn’t know how to be there for him while I felt so lost.

Slowly, with much encouragement from Joshua, I allowed myself to verbally express my feelings to him even when the words I said were painful for both of us. It’s important to communicate what you are thinking and feeling. If you try to hide those thoughts, they will only fester until what you once knew to be only a feeling becomes your mindset and outlook on life. Do not say things merely for the sake of revenge, but do honestly let him know what you are feeling and how you are handling the knowledge of his betrayal. Something like, “I just don’t understand what makes you want to look at that stuff,” is much more helpful toward rebuilding your marriage than, “You scum of the earth, I always knew you would do something like this to me!”

It’s hard. Oh, I know it’s hard. But to rebuild your relationship you must both commit to open, honest communication.

There is hope. Right now you may be wondering how you can ever trust your husband again. You may look at him and wonder what convinced you to entrust him with your heart in the first place. You may not even be able to stand the thought of being in the same room, let alone the same bedroom, with him. But know this. There is hope. There is forgiveness. There is healing. And, eventually, there can be trust. It is a long, rocky road, and issues that you thought you had dealt with may pop up years from now. But IN CHRIST there is hope for your marriage.

We all sin. We all fall short. “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). We have an opportunity here to reflect Christ’s love for every undeserving soul. We can choose to demonstrate His mercy and forgiveness toward our husbands in order that Satan’s attempts to bring shame upon the Body of Christ may be thwarted. We can have marriages that are stronger for the storms they have weathered, that are beacons of light in a world that dishonors marriage and treats spouses as disposable. We can demonstrate God’s grace by the way we choose to cherish and honor our husbands.

With prayer, counsel, open communication, and sheer determination, your marriage can recover from this brutal shock and become stronger than before. You can one day look at your husband and see a man who is cleansed by the power of Christ, a man who loves and adores you, and to whom you feel blessed to be married. And you can find more purpose, more closeness, more meaning in your marriage than you ever thought possible. Believe me. I know.

 [Image courtesy of Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net]